May it Be A final Fantasy.

Well, I'm obviously just great at Keeping friendships :P

her name was that of a flower and she is so awful to many.

or, so they say.

I don't beleive it.

Because I'm the one who's done wrong

the last six months, sorry, seven, have been the best and worst of my whole life.

I know, it's crazy?

But now she hates me, and thinks I'm obsessed about her.

WHich I'm NOT.

That's actually a really long story, which I will tell... at least some of.

I've come out very different.

Last December I was a shy, naive, geeky little kid.

I knew nothing of poetry, or reading books.

I did not care for composition, didn't really want to learn a real instrument.

I didn't care terribly for philosophy.

But then, she began to talk to me.

Then there were books, and words.

I began to do more than just lip-sync in cantala.

She gave me the confidence to turn up for the first day of school.

And to choir.

Because she said something I stopped drinking, that night.

and then I tried to kill myself.

Several times, infact.

LIA I AM NOT EXAGGERATING I DONT COUNT THAT THURSDAY

anyways....

I was in the mental hospital/ kiddies phyc unit.

And getting better.

I missed her at first.
But not for loing.

I was really gettinbg better,
 then just before I was due to start taking meds.

She came to visit me.

It was fantastic. She even told me that we were friends, in words.

But then after she left, I fell right back down to where I was before.

I was stmbling on from that point, I only held on so I could see her again.
And so she could write me a letter.

Then I worked out that would not happen.

And it did turn into a bit of an obsession, she became not a person but a little paper doll I could keep on a shelf in my mind,

but I knew this was wrong.

So I began to get serious with the self harming.

It was a punishment for becoming attached to her.

I wouldn't even allow myself to speak to her.

And it worked.

Second to last week of the term, that broke.

And then I wasn't.

Between a missinterpretation of social cues, she hates me.

But for a while, it was good.

She was going to make every one behave normally when I came back to school, after my first admission. She told me a few things I can't ever repeat. She said hi to me in the hallway.

And I abused that.

There are many good memories, more than the bad, I think.

But I won't write them here.

Not now.

I'm not sober and I don't want to scare her.

But I'm not obsessed.

And it was a cute friendship.

Even if it never would have lasted.

That was when it all went pear-shaped.

When she told me she would end it in four months, my choice or not. (we were in singPore airport)

And all though the year,  I was always ducking certain questions.

Becasue the truth was I was afraid to loose her.

Maybe if I'd confessed five months ago, told her: I don't want to never see you again", straight up this would be less screwy.

If you read this LB, I'm sorry.

If only I could convince you I'm not obsessed.
And that I don't love you
or that I don't think of you all the time.

But, because you were a role model

(like it or not)

you changed me.

So thank-you.

Even if I am going to die.

Thank-you.

And I hope your life will become fantastic.