May it Be A final Fantasy.

Well, I'm obviously just great at Keeping friendships :P

her name was that of a flower and she is so awful to many.

or, so they say.

I don't beleive it.

Because I'm the one who's done wrong

the last six months, sorry, seven, have been the best and worst of my whole life.

I know, it's crazy?

But now she hates me, and thinks I'm obsessed about her.

WHich I'm NOT.

That's actually a really long story, which I will tell... at least some of.

I've come out very different.

Last December I was a shy, naive, geeky little kid.

I knew nothing of poetry, or reading books.

I did not care for composition, didn't really want to learn a real instrument.

I didn't care terribly for philosophy.

But then, she began to talk to me.

Then there were books, and words.

I began to do more than just lip-sync in cantala.

She gave me the confidence to turn up for the first day of school.

And to choir.

Because she said something I stopped drinking, that night.

and then I tried to kill myself.

Several times, infact.

LIA I AM NOT EXAGGERATING I DONT COUNT THAT THURSDAY

anyways....

I was in the mental hospital/ kiddies phyc unit.

And getting better.

I missed her at first.
But not for loing.

I was really gettinbg better,
 then just before I was due to start taking meds.

She came to visit me.

It was fantastic. She even told me that we were friends, in words.

But then after she left, I fell right back down to where I was before.

I was stmbling on from that point, I only held on so I could see her again.
And so she could write me a letter.

Then I worked out that would not happen.

And it did turn into a bit of an obsession, she became not a person but a little paper doll I could keep on a shelf in my mind,

but I knew this was wrong.

So I began to get serious with the self harming.

It was a punishment for becoming attached to her.

I wouldn't even allow myself to speak to her.

And it worked.

Second to last week of the term, that broke.

And then I wasn't.

Between a missinterpretation of social cues, she hates me.

But for a while, it was good.

She was going to make every one behave normally when I came back to school, after my first admission. She told me a few things I can't ever repeat. She said hi to me in the hallway.

And I abused that.

There are many good memories, more than the bad, I think.

But I won't write them here.

Not now.

I'm not sober and I don't want to scare her.

But I'm not obsessed.

And it was a cute friendship.

Even if it never would have lasted.

That was when it all went pear-shaped.

When she told me she would end it in four months, my choice or not. (we were in singPore airport)

And all though the year,  I was always ducking certain questions.

Becasue the truth was I was afraid to loose her.

Maybe if I'd confessed five months ago, told her: I don't want to never see you again", straight up this would be less screwy.

If you read this LB, I'm sorry.

If only I could convince you I'm not obsessed.
And that I don't love you
or that I don't think of you all the time.

But, because you were a role model

(like it or not)

you changed me.

So thank-you.

Even if I am going to die.

Thank-you.

And I hope your life will become fantastic.
 

Believing in Awesome (follow up post)

I didn't even know how to spell it.

Believe.

Not until then.
I used to believe it.
But not after, either.

The world is full of darkness, and awesome is no such thing. There are no people, not here. Just masks, millions of masks hovering about the cities of our decimated and dying planet, there is no real and never will be.

Real? What is real?

Tell me, stranger, what is it?

I will say one day, I will add not to be

You confuse me and sometimes amuse me.

Why do you all not hate me?

It will be easier, with the hate.

I hate me.

I will never believe that "everyone is awesome"
only after I'm dead,
will I be able to believe that.

Because it is only then
I will not be
a part
of everyone.

No one's going to read this, true.

But I didn't think anyone would, anyway

Goodbye, poetboy

the sun setting
in the south

worlds gone by in whisper

we stand
on opposite sides
of the glass

Embers float down from the sky,
to mingle with tears before the blood splattered earth.

Another time, another place,
another lifetime

perhaps

we'll meet.

So many perhapses
so little time.

Keep the flame alive,
good soul

let the keys resume play
tomorrow

Robert

Before the blood splattered earth
we stand.

Tears mingle with sweat upon our weary brows
as we bury the past
in mist.

A world of tombs,
within our hearts.

Here we stand
hand in hand

and wait

what do we wish for
come the midnight hour?

do we tear at the tentacles of mist
that now ensnare us both?

Or do we simply stand

and let the seas of time
wash us
both
away

fire

I hear the words of a ghost
a word of power is uttered

and I
am disarmed

through the dying light

I see a face
wreathed in white

The earth so covered in blood and tears
begins to wash away the years,
of pain.

Tonight
the world is renewed

in the black fire
of words.

To Emma

Hey Emma.

There's no point me hiding you, not anymore.

And Em, I just wanna say, how could you?

Do you have ANY IDEA of the tension between me and my parents?

Obviously not.

I'd rather go to the councellor every day for a YEAR than have then try to talk to me.

Our "relatiopnship" is built on a bed of lies, and mixed in is misstrust and awkwardness.
The whole thing is held together by old bubble gum.

I think I like that other girl better, the one who went to the shrink.

Despite the fact it was a total waste of time and I had to tell the shrink the same thing I've been telling her for the last two weeks.

Yeah, you may love your mom, and you may have a beautiful relationship with her, but not all of us have or want that.

Emma, I need summat I go to my friends.

Yeah, you weren't my friend at the right time to realize that.

But my parents may as well not exist for all I care.

They're no good AT ALL in sticky situations. They always make it worse. And worse. And worse.

And, true enough, I don't have many friends nowadays, or people I consider my friends, at least.

But you've gotta make the right choices.

If I thought there was something wrong with you, I'd go to someone I knew could help you without pushing you deeper.

Because that's what happened.

I got pulled even further under than ever before.

And true, it's unlikely you'll ever find this page.

But if you do, that's the truth in it.

Don't go tattling to momsie again, like last time she'll tell my parents and I won't even be ALIVE to tell you off a second time if that happens.

I'm sorry.

I'm sure your intentions were good.

But not this time.

And why?
Why the heck d'ya do it?

See ya' in Science.

TypoQueen.

Pass Me By

Frequently,
you flit across my mind.

Embers float down from the sky,
to mingle with tears before the blood splattered earth.

Another time, another place,
another lifetime

perhaps

we'll meet.

Perhaps the gap will not be too great,
that we are friends.

So many perhapses
so little time.

But action is not an option.

I can only watch
as you pass
me by.